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Further proof that eating crack for breakfast is bad for you. |
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It's difficult to sum up the plot of this hideously made, muscle-clad, homo-erotic b-movie monstrosity without sounding like I'm making this shit up. The story here is so confused that it doesn't even know what era it's set in, who its good and evil folk are, or even what it's trying to say. Here goes... Set in what appears to be a war-torn futuristic apocalypse (is there any other kind?), we see the struggles of the common peasant scum fighting it out with The Evil Regime - which in this case is The Scary, Evil Japanese who seem to have gotten bored one rainy afternoon and taken over the world. I guess the idea here was to play upon America's alleged Japanophobia that was apparently hip in the late 80's and early 90's. The problem is, nobody with an IQ in the triple digits actually bought that panic-driven bullshit, so naturally rather than being afraid of this movie's evil bad guys, we instead laugh at their silly outfits. |
Of course, those pesky peasants aren't impressed with the ironclad grip these scary evildoers in leather have over them, and are just itching for a revolution. As to why they haven't had one yet is not explained - perhaps they're too busy rolling around in pig shit. Perhaps they're too lazy or too stupid. Perhaps they're too busy wanking themselves into a frenzy over cheap internet porn. Who knows? Adding further to the confusion is the fact that these so-called peasants don't seem to have any kind of idea as to what a peasant should look like. During the course of this film's woefully shit runtime, we get to see everything from chainmail-clad peasants of the Robin Hood era, to the rather comical 1900's style chimneysweep pictured below. |
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Clearly this poor lad was so excited about the Japanese invasion that he leapt up from the set of Mary Poppins and put his stereotypical ass on the next boat over.
Rather than actually pay for costumes, it seems the movie's producers decided that simply raiding the cloakrooms of the local amateur dramatic society would do. The cheap bastards. The confusion doesn't end there, however, as this film can't decide whether to have its characters driving futuristic tanks or vintage 1940's style cars, or riding horses. (Though I'm surprised these oppressed, starving peasants haven't eaten the horses by now.) One minute we have people shooting the living shit out of everything with futuristic-looking machine guns, the next minute people are fighting with sticks. It's this bizarre confusion which makes this film so damned hard to follow, and so uniquely shitty. Seriously - it's awful. I'm surprised the producers didn't think the script-writers were taking the piss. |
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Anyway. Back to the 'plot.' Thrown into the midst of all this confusion and nonsense is Dolph Lundgren, here playing a cammo-covered greaseball called Warchyld. I'm not shitting you here - that's really what he's called. Warchyld. That's not a name for a warrior! That's the name a 5 year old boy might give to his favourite toy robot! Warchyld. I especially like how they added a 'Y' to his name to make him sound like such a badass. |
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If that wasn't enough of an indication of what a real tough guy he is, they have him constantly chugging back beers, shooting the working classes, flexing his big, manly muscles, riding horses, fighting in bars, constantly getting his shiny, baby-oiled man-boobs out, and hanging out with other semi-naked muscular men.
All of which proves him to be very manly and macho indeed, and not in the least bit gay or homo-erotic. Honest. The rest of the plot basically consists of Warchlyd wandering about the countryside blowing shit up, shooting people and setting fire to things. Often while looking rather bored and depressed. And sometimes constipated too. Perhaps it's all that horse riding finally taking its toll? There's also something in the plot about a runaway princess who's supposed to marry the big chief bad guy but doesn't want to because the guy turns out to be a bit of a bastard. Either that, or because of his ridiculous haircut which looks like Hitler's but with the sides shaved off; possibly the future's answer to the flat top? |
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Of course, this bride (the only attractive woman in the entire film) and Warchyld fall in love after she sees him rescuing innocents and shooting people. Clearly the size of Dolph's cannon made her swoon.
The whole thing is a sort of amputated, vomitous perversion of Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet, with the two warring factions and the forbidden love between a member of each. But with less suicide, acting, plot, cohesion, plot, worth, skill, plot, aptitude, or semblance of even the slightest slither of entertainment. The very fact that these monolithically incompetent fuckwads tried to screw with such a literary masterpiece makes this whole public humiliation all the more enjoyable. That's pretty much all there is to the plot. If indeed this random clusterfuck of hilariously nonsensical and inept events can be called a 'plot.' Normally the plot summary takes me, at most, 3 paragraphs. Unfortunately this steaming shitpile of a movie is so lost and confused, so up its own asshole that it took 3 viewings just so I could vaguely understand what the hell was going on. And now I feel dirty all over. At least I got a kick out of laughing at the gloriously awful acting, action, and the ridiculously over-the-top explosions. It's kinda like watching a comedian die on stage... |
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Kaboom!
Despite the blatant ineptitude this movie spews forth, I have to admire their effort. The people behind this movie really do try their best, even if their best is comical to say the least. Being a Dolph Lundgren movie, there's a healthy dose of violence from the get go. Which amused me no end. You've got to admire any film-maker who decides "fuck character development - let's start blowing shit up immediately!" The credits roll and then KABOOM!! The shit hits the fan, and we see Dolph doing what he does best - killing the living crap out of everything that moves, while showing off his ridiculously homo-erotic muscles. Not only does he inflict the kind of genocide not seen since Kosovo, but he looks fabulous while doing it. As I said in our now legendary portrait of Dolph: |
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Not convinced? Check out the TwistedEdge recreation of the opening scene of this wonderful movie in this rather funky looking animated .gif to the right. |
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Okay, okay, so I admit it - I put that last frame in myself. But you get the point. Whenever Dolph's in town, shit explodes. People die. Destruction rains down from the skies. All Dolph has to do is roll up in his jeep, and suddenly what was once a quiet suburbia is now a slumber party in Beirut. As to why Dolph rolls up and shoots the living crap out of an entire village, we'll never know. Maybe it was to satisfy his male desires to maim, smash and kill. Maybe it's just a ginormous plot hole. Who knows? Who cares? |
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The cavalry arrives just in time to see the fireworks and to count the bodies, as in all cliche'd action movies. Moving away from such a blatant movie stereotype would surely make us cry or faint. A couple of helicopters turn up with '666' painted on the side, and some ridiculously dramatic music sounds - this can mean only one thing! Our evil bad guy has arrived! (Either that or a bunch of Iron Maiden roadies...) His Evilness himself, played here by the normally excellent Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa, steps out with all the menace of a homosexual male cheerleader, dressed as a traffic warden, wearing the kind of kinky knee-high leather boots usually seen on the sleaziest of prostitutes (or my ex-girlfriends.) Just to ensure a total air of menace, His Evilness has also brought along his favourite toy sword to scare people with. He needs to let people know who's boss. Because... let's face it... he'd just look silly otherwise. |
As to what the hell Tagawa is doing in this movie is beyond me. Perhaps they put something in his drink, kidnapped him, and forced him at gun-point to sleepwalk through this hilariously silly role. This is an actor who's been in blockbuster hits like Pearl Harbour and the excellent Rising Sun. He's worked with greats like Sean Connery for Christ sake! What's he doing here with Dolph?! Perhaps he was high. Yes. That must be it. It's amazing the crazy shit bad acid can get you into... |
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Randy McSleaze... The greatness of both Dolph's genocidal rentboy Warchyld and Tagawa's satanic traffic cop pale in comparison to this film's true gem - a ridiculously sleazy, greasy-looking sidekick whose performance was so overly ridiculous that I actually forgot his name. His nerve-splinteringly awful performance, mixed with the fact that his character serves no purpose whatsoever, left me feeling like someone had taken out my brain and shat on it, wiped their ass with my scalp, then sewn me back together again. So mentally scarred was I by this walking fuckup that I decided he needed a special name. From now on he'll be known as Randy McSleaze. And so ridiculously bad is this character, so comical, that I actually decided to make my own comic around his exploits: |
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My biggest question has to be about the screenshot used in the bottom left panel. Why the fuck does this film have an ugly gothic woman, a Nazi, a builder in a Fez and a leprechaun drinking together in the first place?! Seeing this, you can maybe begin to understand the sheer confusion this film fires out like a stream of liquid shit from a drunken Irishman. |
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Holy strudel Batman! |
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So by now you've probably got the jist that things in this movie don't make sense. That's probably the fault of the legendary director behind this film - Isaac Florentine. What?! You've never heard of Isaac?! How dare you?! Florentine is like totally the bestest movie director ever, and also an Israeli born failed martial artist who brought us such cinematic epics as Desert Kickboxer and The Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers! Anyone who says that Isaac Florentine isn't the greatest director ever is a racist. It's also never explained that why, if the Japanese have infact invaded the whole planet, that there's only two Asians in the whole film - our evil bad guy general (pictured, right) and the moderately attractive princess. Perhaps the rest of the world's Asian population are just shy?
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It's this film's refusal to make sense that makes it so hard to watch without slamming the pause button and screaming at the top of your lungs "holy crap! What in the name of Jesus Harold Christ is going on here?!" The only way to really enjoy Bridge Of Dragons is to just go along with it, without asking questions. That way you can at least watch Dolph casually making his way around the countryside, shooting the living crap out of anything he wants, kicking the living shit out of anyone who gets in his way, and generally tearing it up like the waxy Swedish killing machine he is. Pondering the details any further would drive even the most dedicated person insane. |
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| In conclusion... | |
Perhaps the world's most nonsensical film, it seems at times like the makers of Bridge Of Dragons were taking the piss with this one. The sheer confusion and lack of cohesion would be funny were it not for the fact that these people take themselves so seriously. They're in a world where nothing makes sense, where evil Japanese Nazis walk amongst 1930's peasants and dudes in chainmail, as if nothing was even slightly strange about it. It doesn't work, pure and simple - and the entire cast end up coming across as a bunch of semi-retarded moronic fuckwits as a result. The acting here isn't particularly abysmal, it's just dull. Very dull. Really very, very, awesomely unbelievably dull. The cast, in their varying levels of talent, all sleepwalk through their roles as if OD'ing on Valium. I've seen more life from the zombies in Romero's Night Of The Living Dead. Except these zombies don't get shot. Which is a shame - at least watching Dolph Lundgren get shot in the face would be entertaining.
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Even the so-called "hard hitting" action sequences are laughable at best, as shot stuntmen don't just fall off rooftops - they do a triple somersault and go out with a bang. Then we see their corpse... with no bullet holes... no visible injuries despite having been shot repeatedly, exploded on and having fallen 20 feet to a grizzly death. The action set pieces here are so over-the-top they'd make even John Woo or Michael Bay blush with shame. This would be a good thing were it not for the fact that Bridge Of Dragons' meager budget means the action we see is about as believable as George W. Bush winning the bronze in female gymnastics. Bridge Of Dragons is more confused than a schizophrenic on an acid trip, being anally invaded by hyenas. This movie fails to even measure up to the recent straight-to-DVD offerings of Steven Seagal - and that's a very bad thing indeed. |
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This movie contains the following chunks of wholesome goodness...
Here's some content symbols for you to feast and ravish upon. For an insight into our ratings system etc click here. |
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Badass kung fu. |  |
Crazily inept supervillains. |  |
Fashion suicide. |
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Macho bullshit. | ||
| The score...
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