Amusingly childish garbage the whole family can enjoy.
We spent a nice, peaceful afternoon listening to a neo-Nazi thrash metal band who sound like a poodle being fucked to death with a jackhammer. This isn't a music review - it's a cry for help.
Some time ago, through the magic of the web, I somehow stumbled upon a bizarre sexual deviant who'll remain nameless for the sake of anonymity (and pending lawsuits). A very strange fellow, a man whose sexual fascination with Narwhals and other sea animals I found hilarious. For the last few months it’s been like having my own pet retard. Fantastic.
During the time he’d spend waiting for his bestiality porn to finish downloading, he’d occasionally drag his sticky fingers to the keyboard long enough to talk about thrash metal, black metal, and various other fun types of music where pissed off Scandinavians get dressed up in leather and scream at each other all day.
To his credit he recommended some rather fascinating stuff for me to ruin my ears with, but on this occasion he really dropped the ball. Possibly distracted by a cunnilingus-induced stroke, he recommended this pleasingly titled Anal Cunt album to me, and wouldn’t shut up till I downloaded it.
How best to describe Anal Cunt’s unique sound? Well, I could sum it up in one word… “wow.”
It’s like they rounded up all the slow kids in the “special” classes of the local school, dosed them up to the eyeballs on Meth then handed them guitars. Wait, no, that doesn't do their sound justice... imagine the sound of a pissed off chimpanzee being flushed down the toilet. No, wait, that doesn't quite sum it up either... try imagining a field full of startled pigs being raped by midgets. Nah, that's not it either. How best to describe Anal Cunt's unique musical sound? Well, have you ever bitten a kitten?
It all started off as a joke back in 1988 when a bunch of drug-addled, talent-challenged slackers got bored and decided to start a band. However, because the noises their lead vocalist Seth Putnam (R.I.P) made more closely resembled that of an otter's mating call, they quickly realised the only way they'd get people in through the door (without Rohypnol) would be to start taking the piss.
And so the conveyor belt of ineptitude began rolling, churning out album after album of garbled crap sprinkled with hit-and-miss humour, despite the fact that the band originally only ever planned to play one show and put out one demo. When people finally got wise to what a shit-festival Anal Cunt's music was, the band simply shuffled "being shit at heavy metal" in as part of their act. I guess one perspective would be that it takes real dedication to make music so consistently garbage for over two decades, unlike wannabes like Justin Timberlake who stumble upon such peaks as if by accident.
Don't get me wrong, some of the humour of their older stuff really does hit the mark. Who can deny the comedic qualities of fun family favourites like "You Were Pregnant So I Kicked You In The Stomach", or that timeless classic "Women: Nature's Punching Bag"? Their favourite piss-take method was singing about people whose lives are, quite frankly, rather shit - songs like "You Are An Orphan", "You Go To Art School", and "You Keep A Diary". I'd write songs like that too if I were part of a band who sounded like someone set fire to an elephant.
However, after a decade or so passed by, the seven or eight fans Anal Cunt had acquired finally realised that this music was basically just the same joke told over and over again. Things started getting desperate. No longer content with simply ruining people's perceptions of thrash metal / grindcore with their childish, puerile bullshit, they decided to up the ante. Now they weren't happy until everybody hated them - a fantastic idea, were it not for the fact that every punk band that's ever existed since the Sex Pistols era circa 1975 had already done it better.
So in came a shitstorm of Nazi slogans, anti-Jew song titles and various other fun little snippets designed to enrage and alienate the masses - this album being a fitting example of that (note the rather dashing Third Reich Iron Eagle on the cover). With song titles on the record like "You Converted to Judaism So A Guy Would Touch Your Dick" and "Ha Ha Holocaust" you can clearly see why their fans got kicks from doing Zieg Heil Hitler-style salutes at gigs. And they would've gotten away with it too, were it not for those darn pesky interferin' kids... who prefer Slayer.
The music was shit. The idea was shit. The band was shit. This album was shit. That's why it's here. I will give them their due though - the snappy bassline on "You Were Too Ugly To Rape, So I Just Beat The Shit Out Of You" did work well as my ringtone at work. And my neighbour's dog did seem to be a big fan of the track "You Quit Doing Heroin, You Pussy". So hey, it's not all bad news I guess...
Number of minutes for which I was initially impressed by Anal Cunt's sound: 0.7
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