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Thankful by Kelly Clarkson

Did you know A.D.D had a sound? No? Neither did we...

I get Wet by Andrew WK
There’s a time-tested, fool-proof barometer as to whether or not an album is actually any good – simply stick that motherfucker on your iPod, turn the dials up to 11 and go do... erm... whatever it is you work-shy deviants who read this site do. After a while, stop and think to yourself “right now, would I rather be wanking?” If the answer is yes, you have a failure of an album on your hands barely even worth the memory on your hard drive – you may as well shove the CD up your arse sideways for all the good it’s done.*

And then you should hit yourself. In the face. Repeatedly. For being such a moron as to buy such a worthless piece of shit album in the first place. It’s a failure-proof method that stands true regardless of genre, artist, mood, whatever.

Think about it – if the music you’re listening to is boring enough to let your mind wander onto tits, ass, sheep or whatever it is you people get dirty with, then the album has failed to entertain you. And as such, the CD you just got suckered into buying fails by its very definition to be music (i.e. a source of auditory entertainment) and simply becomes a shiny piece of plastic with some noises on it.

Ponder on this though – when was the last time you heard an album that actually passed this test? An album that truly entertained you – a collection of songs that actually thrilled you rather than just passing the time until big, bouncy tits would once again be wobbling around your screen? Precisely.

Sadly such failures are common in this day and age – choose any CD / download you want, at random, and you can bet with 98% certainty that it will be garbage. And not just any old garbage – we’re talking a King Kong Takes A Shit On Manhattan scale of garbage. By buying this crap you’re just encouraging these hopeless, talentless bastards to continue vomiting out their puerile drivel into our lives, rather than them being taken into an alleyway and shot like they deserve. For all the good the music industry are doing, they may as well put ten thousand kittens in a bag, boil them all to death and record the noises they make. Hell, at least then they’d have a nice, meaty broth to feed us all with, rather than this fuck-parade of warm shite they force-feed down our throats.

However, on the rarest of occasions the planets align, the moon reaches its highest orbit and God smiles down from the Heavens, bestowing upon the world a true genius – a musical icon for whom the whole of popular culture will rightly swoon and bow – a true visionary, a lightning rod. Sadly in 2001 when God peered down from his cloudy pedestal all he saw was people wanking rather than listening to music, so he gave us Andrew WK instead.

Yep - Andrew Wilkes-Krier, aka Andrew WK – both Mother Nature and the music industry’s favourite booby prize. And wow, what a prize he is.

The album in question is the rather charmingly titled “I Get Wet” and based on his rather unique sound I can report that yes, he probably does. Imagine if you were to take a newborn baby and instead of raising it on milk, feed it nothing but Red Bull and rocket fuel instead. The end result would be something similar to what we have here. Think ‘Tweek’ from South Park, but with a gallon of extra coffee, A.D.D, a mutated hyperactive disorder, rabies, a mild stroke, constipation and a month in a paint mixing machine all thrown in to the mix. Oh, and this guy self-harms for kicks too.

Like the uncontrollable diuretic splurge from our metaphorical newborn came Andrew’s big hit single ‘Party Hard’, which exploded all over the face of MTV and stayed there for approximately five eternities. Seriously – people were born, grew old, had mid-life crises and died in the time it took for this song to get off the air. And there’s a reason for this (and it pains me to admit it, especially in a section entitled ‘Death By Stereo’) but... IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME. And it still is. We’re not talking your standard levels of awesomeness either. We’re looking at the glow in the dark, radioactive, weapons grade kind of awesome that gets into your head and rattles around in there until blood seeps out your nose like... well kinda like Andrew WK on the album cover. This was one song that passed the barometer we talked about earlier - heck, it goes one further - this is music that kicks you in the nuts so hard it leaves you gasping for air.
Andrew WK - fond of partying.
Even to this day all these eons later the song still hits me like a jackhammer, firing up every synapse in my brain, giving my adrenal glands a beating worse than all the Rocky movies put together. Holy crap on a crap cracker I love that song. Sure it’s basic to a level of childish incompetence. Sure it’s meaningless, pointless, repetitive nonsense. Sure it has all the pure musical quality not seen since other such greats like MC Hammer or Vanilla Ice. And sure the music video was just Andrew and some friends in an empty warehouse screaming for no good reason. So what?

Who the fuck cares when the music is this much fun? ‘Party Hard’ is such wholesome, concentrated fun that small animals run in fear of their lives whenever it’s on. It’s so bouncy, so vibrant, so loud, so relentless that it gave the whole east coast of America Aspergers syndrome and nobody noticed.
Having made the collective underpants of the whole free world moist with excitement upon hearing this song, we all too wanted to Party Hard – usually for no good reason. With foaming mouths and bated breaths we awaited the epic, groundbreaking album that would surely accompany such an earth-moving, time-shattering track.

The world wanted a miracle. And Andrew gave us this instead.

"I Get Wet” is like being trapped in a corner by a comedian with Alzheimer’s, telling you the same one joke over and over and over and over again. Sure it was great the first time. But after 30 minutes of the same old shit, over and over, you actually consider headbutting yourself to death for relief. You could take any track from this album, play it on loop 12 times, and no-one would be any the wiser. Yeah I bought the album when it came out - and I was so dissapointed I felt like the Pope would if it were to turn out Jesus was a rapist.

Sure there’s some fun stuff on offer here – the aforementioned ‘Party Hard’ naturally, plus the rather involving ‘It’s Time To Party’ and the elegantly surprising ‘Party Til You Puke’ - a song which amused us so greatly that it actually formed the soundtrack to our MySpace page for almost an entire day. The thrash-pop antics of the track 'Fun Night' are, incidentally, excellent for agitating a pet hamster with (don’t ask). And the track 'Don’t Stop Living In The Red' was briefly used on a TV commercial for some supermarket called ‘Target’ or something which frankly nobody outside of America gives even a thin slice of a fuck about.

However, no matter how much crack or PCP flows through your system, no matter what level of delinquency humps through your brain, you can’t escape the fact that this is just the same old shit, over and over and over. It’s like a piano with just one key. Or a hooker with just one tit. Sure, it’ll entertain the socially-retarded amongst us for a little while, but after that you just get bored of that one trick pony, ditch it and move on.

Finally after the dust settles down, the heat cools off, you hear this shit again and see it for what it really is – just some tall prick with a nosebleed and greasy hair making startled noises until he passes out, not unlike a hungry, retarded child trapped in the back of a hot car.

But hey, it sure as hell was fun while it lasted...

* Yeah, yeah, yeah we know – nobody actually buys CDs any more, it’s all iTunes or Napster or whatever. Blah blah blah. We had to put “CD” though – it’s not as if you can shove a 5meg m4a file up your arse now, is it?


TwistedEdge Damage Report:

Number of times the word "awesome" was over-used in this review: 3.
Percentage of readers who will find this page because they're big fans of Andrew WK: 0.02.
Number of times 'Party Hard' made me leap up for a flying high five only to realise I was the only one in the room: 19.
Last time Andrew WK was calm enough to get some sleep: 1986.
Litres of pure, uncut crystal meth found brewing naturally in Andrew's bloodstream: 81.5.
Number of times Andrew was lobotomized before anybody noticed: 6.


Update:

Awesome article for you goons to feast upon - Cracked.com have finally solved the mystery that is Andrew WK! (Here).


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