American Idol winner and bringer of Biblical plagues, Kelly Clarkson woos us all...
God help us - it's the girl who won her fame on a game show, and her double platinum CD that causes animals to commit suicide.
After hearing "The Trouble With Love" and "Miss Independent", my horse Elmer turned on the wood chipper and rammed his face into it just to escape the bizarre, cackling sound filling his head. The strange thing was even after the brains blew out all over my gardener, the back legs were still running, trying to push the torso through - such is the mental anguish such musical bullshit can cause.
He was understandably upset, and it's not just that he didn't like Kelly Clarkson. The fact that American Idol can flip a switch and make someone so musically retarded like this commercially successful perfectly illustrates the dark, slimy underbelly of today's entertainment industry.
Today, the recording industry's media-machine is actually forcing the worst music ever in history to be omnipresent in this horrible, nightmarish, 21st century art culture that feeds on it. This isn't just a soulless, hackneyed, gangrenous CD. This is a serious problem.
"Thankful" is an atrocity by any standard, and it sold 350,000 copies in the first week it was out. Now it's all over the radio and more unavoidably, in public, meaning it's played in chain restaurants, stores and whorehouses worldwide. It is to this nation's culture what Kim Jong-Il is to fashion.
Looking outside while listening to "Some Kind of Miracle", I noticed there were plagues of locusts feasting on the flesh of the unrighteous, and all the animals in the forest were intentionally trapping themselves. Even worms were committing suicide by laying on hot stones.
I despise 98% of the music produced today. So what? Well, the thing is, it all contributes to the cable TV interbred collective consciousness, and it's a drag. It's just another helping of putrid gruel, seeping into the atmosphere of the terrifying food courts in the malls that are growing like leaches all over the monkeypox-glazed carrion of our civilization. I cannot state this strongly enough - it makes the Biblical plagues that hit Egypt look like mild vaginal yeast infection by comparison.
After "What's Up Lonely" and "Beautiful Disaster", whales beached themselves in enthusiastic suicidal frenzy. Their rotting, festering carcasses reminded me of snake-farms, where Kelly Clarkson is extruded by the producers of American Idol to be piped down the throat of a hungry, deformed America.
Only while listening to "A Moment Like This" did I notice that my service revolver was missing. I screamed, and ran to my ape's cage, just in time to see him pull the trigger and spew out gray matter all over my cat, Rahoon. The cat started mewling and mounted my attack dog in a display of sexual mastery. A moment later, all I could see were Rahoon's kidneys and intestines flapping around, as his bones snapped like peanut brittle wrapped in raw flank steak.
Finally, I realized that the evil CD had to be disposed of, so I stuffed it into a large roasting hen and mailed it to my psychiatrist with a note, demanding morphine.
Oh, and by the way, this CD also has two new mixes and a link to exclusive Kelly Clarkson updates, and video footage. I bet you can get email alerts too.
Number of baby seals that somehow managed to club themselves after hearing Kelly Clarkson: 459.
Click here to contact us bitching about our slander of this "wholesome American musical icon".
Click here to write things in our guestbook that will see less light than a Nine Inch Nails convention.
Click here to go back.